Tuesday, February 28, 2006


My friend Larry... gossip King

Larry says Miss Meme across the street is a big mouth bitch gossip. Larry says, "the bitch stands in her window with the lights out till all hours of the night. The old loud mouth sidles up to folks on the sidewalk to get a juicy bit. That catty slut may even go through peoples trash at six in the morning [Larry is a downtown boy and thinks 6 AM is the middle of the night]." What Larry hates most is she is an amateur. She stands up there on her hill, like a general, observing the battle, while he, a lonely infantry man, fights the real battles hand to hand in the trenches. "That old bitty know nothing about gossip, I'm the king of gossip." First off you got to use the right truth serum and none of that cheap sh--t. Larry's favorite is Jose Cuervo. After about a half bottle of truth serum you get the really good stuff. Larry looks over at me and says, " okay here is the skinny boy, you know how I know when I'm getting the really good stuff?" I tell Larry I have no idea. "It's when they say Larry, you loud mouth sob, if you tell anyone what I'm about to say I'll break your damn knees. That my friend is when you get the good stuff and become the King."

Monday, February 27, 2006


My Main Man

Guitar Man is a nice, sweet guy. He never uses curse words. He talks like he is from California and always has a smile on his face. He's part of my extended family. He ate Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner with us this year. Unlike a lot of people living close to the street he is a one-beer kind of guy. Guitar Man is also an engineer and is in the process of turning his street wagon/cart into a hover craft. We may need to schedule a trip to West Ashley to get parts from Home Depot. GM explains that a hover cart will be easier to get over some of the high curbs downtown. GM is also looking to buy a cell phone and has his eye on a $20 basic phone that he can purchase calling cards for as he needs them. He says that if the phone is a bust he can use the parts on the hover wagon.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Biking in Charleston.........

It's difficult to bicycle downtown because the horse carriages have a calming effect on motorists. Nobody even honks their horn. How is a guy suppose to get an adrenaline rush with all this crap! Did I mention it got to 77 F here yesterday? We have a hard life.


Jennifer works in a dump!

My daughter Jennifer has to work in this drafty old building on the Citadel Campus. She has to fight traffic for 2 miles to get to work. It got to 77 F here yesterday. We have a hard life.


Larry lives in a dump!

My friend Larry, who works in the tourist business downtown, has an apartment in one of the houses like this one in the Battery. I don't know how he stands it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


These people gotta be drunk.............

My cousin Attracta from Wisconsin sent me an e-joke about Alabama hillbillies. Gee, an addmitted Greenbay Packer fan making fun of someone else! This was too easy. I didn't have to make something up--just post a picture of Greenbay Packer cheese heads! People going around with a dairy product on their head? That's a real joke. There is also an obvious business opportunity here--should I offer her a land deal? Ocean front lots for $2,000.00 an acre near beautiful downtown Knoxville? I could also point out that hillbillies in Alabama are called Rednecks. Okay, here is the deal: we'll send some Georgia crackers to go with those Wisconsin cheese heads.


Scratch Off

When I scratch light with my front feet --- I gets stuff to chew on.
When I scratch heavy with my rear feet --- it scare other dogs.
When I scratch off with all my feet --- I falls down.

Monday, February 20, 2006


Dog Poop 101....... Lesson Three

Kick and Grab: Okay, you don't want to pick up the poop? Maybe you had a late night and forgot to bring bags for that 7:00 AM walk. It’s time for a little kick and grab. Here’s how it goes: Rover does his deal. You assume a nonchalant look. Sidle up to the poop, bend over like you’re going to pick up the poop, but instead quickly kick the poop towards the nearest bush with your left foot. At the same time, make a pick-up motion with your right hand, get a hand full of dirt or leaves and stick in your pocket. Your suspicious neighbor thinks you’re crazy for doing a bare-hand poop scoop and, best of all, you'll never have to speak to the nosey bitch again.


Cooper River Bridge

Want to do some hill training in Charleston? Well, this is the place or you can drive 60-70 miles north of town. One of the workers told me the high point of the road bed is 250 feet off the water? I climbed from east of the Copper into a 30 mph west wind on my fixed gear bike. Had to stand the whole way up which created more drag and made it even harder. Good thing there is a 8 foot wide bike/footpath because I was weaving all over the place.


The hard life...........

Okay, any minute now I got to decide--take a nap or beg for food.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Neighbors from the North......accomidations

Welcome to the 3rd installment of our ongoing series designed to introduce our Yankee friends to historic downtown Charleston.

Once you get your automobile parked, naturally you'll be wanting a place to park your fat white asses and Charleston has many fine hotels like the one pictured on the left. Rooms start at a little as $500.00 per night [$1000 if you want glass windows].

If your one of those pricks who can't stand a few bed bugs and fleas they got some nice beach front condos in West Palm for $50.00. You have to take I-95 directly to Florida with out stopping in SC to get this deal.


PCM rides again....

What can I say other than it got warm. I was ready to work again and tourons are coming to town for Wild Life Expo.................... Big money.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Neighbors from the NORTH...Parking.

Welcome to the 2nd installment of our ongoing series designed to introduce our Yankee friends to historic downtown Charleston.

Naturally, when you drive into town your first concern will the safety of your car. Not to worry we have several fine parking decks with touron prices starting at a low $200.00 per day. Note: hard hats available for small additional charge.

Click on picture for better view of our George Street garage.

Note:. If you have a Yankee tag, don't waste our time complaining about a little broken glass and dents. If damage is a major concern, you may want to get a SC tag in Columbia, SC [those idiots are always looking for a new revenue stream] and while you're at it, why not just stay there.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


What I have to put up with...........

Click on this pic and see the kinda crap I have to put up with on my bike rides...............


What no motor?

Here I am in my yacht! Ok, things didn't work out
the way I hoped financially! Actually, the boat isn't
too bad but that stupid life vest has got to go. There is a moral to the story; stay away from
Pump and Dump. Don't know about pump and dump? Let's say you get an email or letter promoting some low priced per share stock [pumping]. How can you go wrong at such a low price? Next thing you know the price has dropped 75% [dump]. I've lost enough on these to buy a motor. BUT.........if I can figure out the cycle, get in before the pumping and dump ahead of the crowd..... Right! Then my next pic will show me swimming naked.

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Yankee do not doodle.............

For all my yankee friends. . . the Charleston Police have started to crack down on anyone who does the following:

1. saying ya'll with a northern accent.
2. saying eew to boiled peanuts.
3. shouting to locals from a car window for directions.
4. blowing your car horn.
5. not knowing you can't eat just one grit.
6. not having the decency to cover fat white a**.
7. driving slower than a horse carriage.
8. calling Coke........Pop.
9. saying "the way we do it up north is".

Watch it, ya'll be ended up in touon wing of Charleston Jail....


Let's eat man!

My mom's friend, Francesca, doesn't want me to get food on my ears and I'm a little pissed off about the whole thing. What is with these PEOPLE!

Saturday, February 11, 2006


Dinner Anyone?

At The Market looking up ChurchStreet towards St. Phillips.


Low Cal Veggie Dog!

I've gained about 5 pounds. The new item in my diet is Veggie Dogs from Hot Dog Man. HDM [pictured on the right] says to me he figures there are about 120 calories in his Veggie Dog. I'm thinking there are 120 calories in the pickle relish. I always get the Big Time Downtown Super Veggie Dog with mustard, catchup, roasted green peppers, cole slaw, hot mustard, fried onions, jalapenoes, cheese, sauerkraut, chilli, pickle relish and five shakes of Texas Pete hot sauce. More like 500 calories. Oh, did I mention, I eat two dogs plus the 1/2 pound chocolate chip cookie and Coke? I need to ride 300 miles to break even. HDM has started to give me his Big Eater Discount.

Friday, February 10, 2006


Peanut Man Say!

Peanut Man say he sells most peanuts to women.
Peanut Man say most women say they buying peanuts for their man.
Peanut Man say he knows which are not telling the truth by the size of their ass.


Good Intentions!

The other day I decided to bike ride 45 miles as part of my training schedule. Three miles into the ride I got a call from my friend Pat Neeley who saw me on the road. Since we were both in town why not an early lunch? Since we hadn't seen each other in awhile why not a few beers? Lunch, beer; hell I had to have a nap. Total miles for the day 6.5. I did mannage to get the dogs walked.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Pedicab USA

Been working a on a cross country pedicab trip. The original idea was Joel's [he is one of the owners of Charleston Pedicab]. The trip got out of the talking stage when I got Guinness to recognize it as a Guinness World Record attempt. Joel has new baby at home, not a good time for taking off across country. I figured if we can get some backing with big bucks it might be worth Joel's effort and more to the point get his wife's blessings. To get money you need to put together a plan [pro forma] and I can't even get Joel to help with this part [like be available for pro forma pictures]. Currently, the whole deal is in irons; all talk no action. My problem is I still want to do it. Any ideas?

Sunday, February 05, 2006


Super Bowl XL

Okay, Seahawks lost but I changed teams with 65 seconds to go in the game so that my new favorite team, the Steelers, won. Hot Dog Man was right about Pittsburgh. I should have made the bet.


Jim and Taz watch XL Bowl

Friday, February 03, 2006


Don't mess with me boys!

Mess with my food and I'll drop you like a penny, mess with my mom and I'll bite your a--!

I'm not getting within 5 feet of that nasty mouth. His breath at 3 feet will knock over and elephant. He needs a hazard material permit to cross state lines. His breath has color. He breathed on my bike and gave it a flat tire and took off part of the paint job. Okay, it may have been the hot paint dripping off the bike and on to the tire that caused the flat. All I know is that breath will make children cry, cattle stampede, trains stop, cold beer hot, riots start, ships sink, condos vacate, football games end, trees fall, hurricanes start, bridges sag, fires burn, love vanish, eyes water, ears turn red and my bicycles fall apart. No S--t!


Fixed Gear Bicycle

When the rear tire on this bike turns the cranks/pedals turn. It'll break your leg if you don't know what your doing. I can't wait for some punk to try and steal it.


New Camera

Jennifer doesn't want Scooter on the living room furniture so he naps on HER bed.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Free Advice.

I spend time every day getting and giving advice. Just today:

Hot Dog Man: GIVE. I ax if he sells a Charleston Dog. He ax me what is a Charleston Dog? So I ax if he's ever eaten sushi and he ax what does sushi have to do with it. So I say, "The sushi place has a Charleston Roll. If they have too much tuna, the Charleston Roll is tuna. They also have Downtown Roll and Mt. Pleasant Roll. If they have too much tuna, these rolls are tuna." My advice to the Hot Dog Man is to put out a sign late in the day that says Special Charleston Dog,
and whatever inventory needs to be pushed goes on the Chas Dog. One day it might be a sausage with pickles and pepper and the next it might be an all-beef with cheese and grilled onions.

GET: The Hot Dog Man ax me who I'm betting on in the Super Bowl. I tell him I don't bet on football. He say I'm crazy cause Steelers will win by 20 points and that he, THE HOT DOG MAN, guarantees it. He say the Steelers have beat the best 3 teams in football during the play offs [Colts, New England and Denver] and the Seahawks didn't beat s__t!

The Guitar Man: GIVE: Has been hassled by the ordinance police [a major, no less] and told he is breaking the law playing his guitar in the market during the day. When The Guitar Man shows the major a copy of his license, signed by said major no less, the major say he's still breaking the law, but he can't do anything about it [I'm not making this stuff up]. My advice to Guitar Man is to tell the major to drop dead. GET: His advice to my big white ass is not to come back in the next life as a small black Guitar Man cause The Man will put a knot on my head.

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